Steps towards self-compassion
Self-compassion would appear as an easy concept. Put simply, it is being kind to oneself. Many would assume themselves as compassionate to others and self-compassionate also. However, when broken down, self-compassion has layers that work together to help people reduce negative mindsets, reduce anxiety and depression, improve well-being and motivation, encourage social integration and allow people to regulate their emotions more effectively. These components make sense, but when integrating them into everyday life they take work.
There are three components of self-compassion;
1. Self-kindness vs Self judgment; treating yourself kindly with kind thoughts and kind actions. Supporting and comforting yourself through care rather than harsh judgements and negative thoughts.
2. Common humanity vs isolation; having the capacity to see your experiences as integrated with the larger human experience. Recognising we are part of a bigger group and knowing we aren't isolated and alone.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification; sitting with hard feelings, being mindful of our emotions and ensuring we don't block these out or choose to run away. Source: Neff (2003)
Self-compassion has all the right things. It incorporates kindness, compassion, positive influence and the capacity to deactivate our threat system and activate a more positive process of self-soothing. But cultivating it isn't always easy, especially when our mind might tell us we are under threat, being harsh on ourselves when we make mistakes or want to block out negative emotions. So what can we do to train ourselves to have greater self-compassion, integrate ourselves with others and facilitate resilience to cope with negative events? The following steps of cultivating self-compassion have been drawn from the Mindfulness Self Compassion program (Germer and Neff, 2013) and are small daily thoughts and activities can assist in self-awareness and self-compassion.
1. Reflection; think about how you treat a loved one and how you treat yourself when something may go wrong in your life? Journal your thoughts or discuss it with someone close to you and be mindful of how compassion may change from the loved one to yourself.
2. Practice mindfulness; meditation can be hard, but starting small by simply bringing attention to the breath, and anchoring into the present moment is effective.
3. Loving kindness; Engage in loving kindness meditations or repeat phrases "may I be safe" and "may I be kind to myself". Even those few words have the capacity to draw us to a place of prioritizing ourselves over the worries of the past and future.
4. Journal; explore your core values, what brings meaning to your life and how you can show up in ways that will facilitate you living by your core values. Are there things you keep in your life that no longer serve you?
5. Body awareness; be aware of how different parts of your body feel when you experience painful emotions. Through practice and awareness, you will be able to soften those areas, sit with the discomfort and soothe yourself with kindness.
Source: Germer and Neff, 2013
Integrating just one of these practices into your daily life can assist in cultivating your self-compassion. It is important to remember that self-compassion is about us and also about how we integrate into our greater groups, show up for ourselves and show up for those around us. What seems an easy task can be challenging, but we can navigate it through breaking it down into small moments, small phrases and small actions.
Start with this simple phrase when emotional distress arises for you “This is a moment of suffering” (mindfulness), “Suffering is a part of life” (common humanity), and “May I be kind to myself” (self‐kindness).
Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856-867. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021
Neff, K. (2006). Self-compassion. PsycEXTRA Dataset. https://doi.org/10.1037/e517612007-001
Stapleton, P. B., Richardsom, K., & Kalla, M. (2018). How Aspects of Self-Compassion Contribute to Wellbeing and the Effect of Age. International Journal of Healing and Caring, 18(3), 1-12.